Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in B's LiveJournal:

Friday, April 20th, 2007
5:55 pm	4*20*99 to 4*20*07: Eight years later... It just became 8 years today. When we're talking about some of the hardest posts I have ever written in my blog career, we can bring up one of my recent pieces of work about my youth minister. However, for the past three years, as a way to remember 4/20, I have dedicated a post on that day to remember the Columbine tragedy that occurred on April 20, 1999. Within the time I have studied school shootings (specifically Columbine), I have spent much of the time researching and talking to people, debunking many of the myths people have about Columbine. We're talking the myths that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold specifically went after people as well as the martyrdom myths of both Rachel Joy Scott and Cassie Bernell. At times, I just roll with the information and research, pushing myself away from any emotions that the Columbine tragedy caused in it. This post (as well as the previous ones) brings the tragedy home to me. However, due to the unfortunate and tragic events of April 16, 2007, the Columbine tragedy was brought home to me in an indirect but personal way. What you are about to read is my attempt to pour out my heart about the Columbine tragedy once again. However, I will also incorporate two other tragedies that have deeply affected me: the Taylor Behl story and the Virginia Tech shootings. Please prepare yourself for what you're about to read. And thank you. =) ************************************************************************ Back on April 19, 2004, I wrote a precursor to the first of (now) my fourth annual 4-20 posts. Dealing with my thoughts and emotions as a high school Junior, I looked at the two research papers I have done at Columbine. I looked at what was put into place from the metal detectors in inter-city schools to tougher gun control laws. But inside, I was unsatisfied with the progress of protection throughout high schools in the country. At this time, I thought that even tougher gun control and tougher gun access was the answer. Though my thoughts on gun control have changed significantly since 2004, my heart propelled me to write on the post: "It's my fear that another Columbine may happen sooner than we think..." Now, three years later, I, as a Fordham University Sophomore, am writing in the aftermath of what some people have called "the college Columbine." Like Columbine, innocent blood was spilled because of pure senselessness. Humanity is like a rose in anticipation for the autumn: beautiful in its sights and sways, yet fragile and precious. To rip that away from someone is indeed a crime against humanity. Indeed, murder is senseless in its own right. ************************************************************************ Apparently, though, I was too naïve and young to understand it. April 20th, 1999, my young 6th grade mind was introduced to the aspect of a "school shooting". And I smiled. Yes, I am sure I must have heard the song "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, which details the feelings and emotions of Jeremy Wade Delle, a 16-year-boy from Texas who, on January 8th, 1991, took a gun, put it to his gun, said "Miss, I got what I really went for" to his teacher, and took his own life in front of his bullying and harassing classmates. Yes, I'm sure my eyes must have seen the actions of Kip Keller once on the news before my mom or my uncle would change the channel. But nothing was like Columbine. Nothing. Let me put you in my mindset for a second here. This was the end of my third year at Catholic elementary school. I had a really hard and strict teacher. Though I must state that my 6th grade year was a decent time, the previous two years of 4th and 5th grade weren't pleasant in the least bit. We're talking crying to the teacher after I got teased. We're talking about bullying. We're talking about the cruelty of school children here. At 11 years old, I didn't grasp Christ's amazing forgiveness. I didn't grasp Christ's mercy. Heck, I couldn't grasp a bat without the fear of getting hit by the ball. I didn't grasp anything but my schoolwork. However, I immediately grasped the thoughts and actions of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. I grasped that they hated people, period. I grasped that they wanted to make "history" by killing as many people at Columbine as they can (which they could have if they weren't terrible at the aspects of bomb-making and bomb timers). I grasped that they wanted, as Dave Cullen wrote, to destroy a "symbol of American life", the high school. I couldn't grasp much at 11, but because of my past and the hate and anger I still had embedded in my heart, I grasped Eric and Dylan. I knew what they wanted to do, and I knew that if I was taken to their point, I could have seen myself doing something very similar. Yes, if my road didn't change, I could have been a Kip, an Eric, a Dylan, or a Cho. To this day, that scares me. Humanity is like a rose in anticipation for the autumn: beautiful in its sights and sways, yet fragile and precious. And to even think I could have destroyed that beauty... yea, it terrifies me. ************************************************************************ Strange enough, I got the same fear when I heard about the Taylor Behl story. Why did it terrify me? I followed it about two weeks after she died on September 6th, 2005, off of a whim of a CNN broadcast. This girl was a regular college freshman like me, with the same exact birthday as me as well. She had deep and intimate conversations on-line as well as personal and silly posts on her Livejournal and MySpace, just like me. But because of trust in the wrong person (in this case, Ben Fawley), her life ended. Because of Fordham, I never usually get a chance to read outside books on my own. However, when I was at Barnes and Noble one day this year, my eyes glanced past Love You More: The Taylor Behl Story, written by her mother. I picked it up, bought it, and read it in three days flat. I haven't finished a book as quickly as that one, unless there was a class involved (like reading "Things They Carried" in a day for a Sophomore English project). The book hit me... hard. The book brought it home for me. I'm not going to go through the entire story about her life and the like, you can find that out here, but what I can say is this (in straight 'dude' language): Dude, this could have happened to me! Two of the ways I keep contact and have great conversations with people are through my AIM and my blogs. Imagine if one of the people I chat with every day is a Ben Fawley. Even if I met that person once or twice, even if I was in face-to-face contact with that person, even if I occasionally talked to that person on the phone, that person, a person I know and trust could have the intentions to use, abuse, and kill me. Humanity is like a rose in anticipation for the autumn: beautiful in its sights and sways, yet fragile and precious. And I am a part of that humanity. My life is but a small breath. And to imagine that someone who I may trust today could possibly be my killer tomorrow... yea, it terrifies me. ************************************************************************ Today, on April 20th, 2007, you hear of "Orange and Maroon Day", the wearing of the VT colors in order to show solidarity for a school that may be miles away from you, even though, because of the tragedy, VT is closer to you than you think. The past four days, I have read and witnessed some of the remarkable and heroic events from that day. I have been at the prayer vigils, prayed the prayers, reflected the reflections, and read the stories of some of the people whose lives were taken on that day. From the professor who survived the Holocaust and used his body to help barricade the door to save others to the undergraduate student who breathed what he thought was his last breaths, lying next to the killer who took his life seconds later, the dissection of a tragedy brings out both the best and worst of what humanity can offer. It is easy to see the worst of humanity in a tragedy like this. It is easy to see Cho Seung-hui and see an image of hate. It is easy to feel revenge over an entire community of people, just because of the actions of one person. Like Columbine, it is easy to want and sue the establishment in which this tragedy occurred, the police department, or even the family of the murderer. It is easy to let hate encompass you, just like hate encompassed Eric's heart, Dylan's heart, Kip's heart, Ben's heart, and yes, Cho's heart. However, within a tragedy comes the beauty of what human hearts can possess. The outpouring of love upon the campus of Virginia Tech as well as the flood of prayers gushing over the families and friends affected by this tragedy has been immense. Because (and unfortunately) of the tragedy, people are showing each other that they love each other even more. For example, I have not given as many hugs or said as many "I love you's" as I have this week. I am sure you can probably say the same about yourself as well. Sometimes, it takes one person to help you see who you really are inside. Sometimes, it takes reading a Scripture to inspire you to make a difference. Sometimes, as it was in my case, it takes reading a book, reading a diary, reading about a person that can inspire you to do something. For me, that person was Rachel Joy Scott. ************************************************************************ It's amazing to see how one little extra glance or thought about something can change your life in so many ways. More than four years ago, I was in a Christian bookstore, looking at a book or two to buy. I looked over the Teen section and I saw the book, the book. The book was titled "Rachel's Tears", speaking about the spiritual journey of the first girl killed in the Columbine shooting eight years ago, Rachel Joy Scott. In the book, you read some of her diary entries and truly understand the faith and love she had in Christ all the way to the day of her unfortunate death. Every year since that book, I have taken the book in a different light. Sophomore year, I used it for my iSearch paper about school shootings all together, while being that she was a martyr for her faith. Junior year, I wrote about the aftermath, using the facts that neither Rachel nor Cassie were asked directly about their faith, even though Rachel's account is a lot more blurry than Cassie's due to the amount of witnesses at their deaths. Now, when I think back about the book and about Rachel's live, Rachel gave me something I will never part with: seeking the truth. From reading that book, I researched Columbine like crazy. I researched school shootings on a whole. I read books about it. I read websites about it. My heart ached with the amazing memorial websites made for the Columbine victims. But still, I pressed on and researched, and to this day, I still research on school shootings, especially Columbine. Why? Because I used to be in those shoes, and the more I can understand about school shootings, the more I feel I can potentially do, in order to prevent against future school shootings, either in high school, college, or even in churches and offices. To much is given, much is expected. I have been given this knowledge, so I must use it for Christ's good. Rachel would have done the same. Through trying to research on Columbine and on other school shootings, I was able to see how senseless murder is. All that murder does is hurt a human's life radically short. Life is a gift from God. To commit murder is to spit at a gift that God has made. God has a plan for all of us. To mess with that plan by ending an innocent life or two is to mess with the Creator. From being able to grow up out of the Columbine tragedy, I grew to realize that God gave us all a gift: the ability to breathe. Through growing up, I was able to move on from the terror and the fear of the past and truly see how miraculous humanity is through God's eyes. Humanity is like a rose in anticipation for the autumn: beautiful in its sights and sways, yet fragile and precious. As humans, we are supposed to honor and respect the gift of life that God gave each of us. The question now stands: will you water or crush the Rose? ************************************************************************ Where are we now? Eight years have passed, and we are four days removed from the Virginia Tech shootings. What have we really learned? What have we really done since Columbine that has changed things? Yes, we can talk about tougher gun controls all we want. Maybe, security guards around the country at our college campuses should pat us before we enter the dorms or classrooms. Metal detectors? Bring them back out! Why stop there? Maybe we should do an extensive background check of everyone who decides to apply to college. Yea, that'll stop something like this to happen again. Think about it. We can put up as many restrictions as we can to try and "stop" this from happening again. But violence have been a part of our mindset as humans ever since Cain killed Abel. Violence has been around since a human had a disagreement against another human and realized sticks and stones as well as fists and kicks can win the argument. If it's not a gun, it's a homemade bomb. If it's not a bomb, it's knifes. If it's not a knife, it's poisoning a drink. If it's not poison, it's kicks and punches until death. The point is that, no matter how many restrictions you made, if someone wants to kill another person, the potential murderer will do it, whether he or she had a gun or not. It just makes that murder bloodier and messier to commit. So what then? Yes, many of the people who commit these crimes against humanity have mental problems, I am not dismissing that at all. However, does that dismiss that some of us may have not been as kind to others as we could have? The one thing I could advocate and go for is the promotion of more research about mental health, and yes, being a product of a therapist from a few years ago, I do believe in psychologists and the like. However, does that let us be as vicious and mean to each other as we want to? "What about love? What about God? What about holiness? What about mercy, compassion and selflessness?... What have we become? A self indulgent people What have we become? Tell me where are the righteous ones? What have we become? In a world degenerating What have we become? Those lyrics come from a DC Talk song titled "What Have We Become?". When we talk about school shootings, we always see the blame put on many things. Easy-to-access guns, violent video games, violent music, absence of school prayer, the list goes on and on. The blame is either put on the killer or everything the killer listened, played, read, wrote, or did in his lifetime. Though I agree and believe that mental health should be viewed more as a problem that should be treated, I offer a different solution. I believe we should love more. Love changes lives. If we can say that, we can also say, in reverse, that lack of love changes lives as well. I am going about this in a Christian mindset, but this can be applied across the board. We are called to love each other and to love our neighbor and enemies as well. No matter who you are, I am called to love you, no matter what. With love, I am become the man you see before you today. Yes, I do have lots of growing up to do, but if it wasn't for the consistent love from my God and my family as well as my friends, I would not be where I am today. I would probably either be arrested or dead, as I have stated earlier in the post. Without love, all that I have here changes drastically. What should a tragedy like Columbine and Virginia Tech make us to? Love more. Love harder. Love greater. Love stronger. Love what we have here. Love humanity. Love can change things, and we are the ones who can cause that change. Humanity is like a rose in anticipation for the autumn: beautiful in its sights and sways, yet fragile and precious. Crush the rose or water it? I will do my best to water that rose and do my best to keep it alive with outpourings of love through my actions, words, and prayers. Will you? ************************************************************************ For the past four days, I have done something I have never done before: use Rosary beads for my prayers. I offered up the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and I will pray it one last time for today. I prayed it for the families and victims of the Virginia Tech shootings, including the family of a dear best friend who lost a son and a brother. Tonight, though, my prayers will be lifted up for the families and friends of the 13 victims and two murderers in the Columbine shootings. As I wrote on April 20, 2006, to the 15 who died that fateful day on April 20, 1999... I extend my prayers and thoughts to the 15... For Cassie Bernall, Steven Curnow, Corey DePooter, Kelly Fleming, Matt Kechter, Dan Rohrbough, Dave Sanders, Isaiah Shoels, John Tomlin, Lauren Townsend, Kyle Velasquez, Daniel Mauser, Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, And last but not least, from me, Rachel Joy Scott... thank you, God, for blessing me with such an inspiration of how to live the life for You. Rachel Joy Scott: August 5th, 1981 - April 20, 1999 "She was the joy in our lives." I also offer my prayers and thoughts to the families, friends, and victims of the Virginia Tech shootings, including the 32 innocent men and women as well as the murderer. This post is dedicated to those lives lost on April 16, 2007 as well as April 20, 2007, as well as one of the most amazing and faithful families I have ever meant: the La Porte family. To the 33 and the 15, you will never be forgotten. =) B(rent) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 24th, 2007
8:10 pm	Four Years with a madman for Jesus... Before I even start, I would like to explain that this is a personal blog post for a reason... it's personal! =P It's to organize my thoughts and to reflect on my past four years and to put my personal spin on what's been going on since my four years of being involved with one of the few extracurriculars I was personally affected by: Paramus Catholic Campus Ministry, and the man behind it all, Mr. Justin Fatica... I worked with him directly for 4 years, including his up-start ministry, Hard as Nails. As I looked through the Hard as Nails website (http://www.hanm.org), I see the dates for his documentary are drawing near. I went to the Tribeca Film Festival website, and this is what I read: * Hard as Nails, a documentary directed by David Holbrooke. (U.S.A) – World Premiere. This fascinating documentary follows unordained evangelical minister Justin Fatica on his quest to save America's soul. Fatica uses his Hard As Nails Ministry to promote the gospel to all Christian faiths and reach out to the MTV generation. His gruff style and unusual methods bring salvation to some, but seem horrifyingly troublesome to others. Who can explain his gruff style and unusual methods better than someone who worked with him directly for four years? That's what I'm attempting to do now =) If I tagged you, it's either someone who worked with me that I'd love for you to read this... or if I want to show you just a small glimpse into my life before Fordham... I thank you all for reading some or all of the blog post, and thank you for your time =)! Brent **************************************************** "Yeah, I'll give, give, give until there's nothing else Give my all until it all runs out Give, give and I'll have no regrets I'll give until there's nothing left..." -- Relient K - Give Until There's Nothing Left That's all I did for four years: give over and over and over again. I gave for 4 years from when I stepped into ministry until my last Wednesday Night Prayer (WNP) the summer before Fordham. I started from the FCA Overnight retreat April of 2002 where I not only rededicated my life to Jesus Christ, but also unknowingly recruited myself into Mr. Fatica's mission of making Paramus Catholic "the most Christian school in all of the United States." I was recruited to be a "soldier" in a battle I never thought nor really wanted to be a part of at the time. Sure, I hung out with Fatica my freshman year, when I played Intramural Basketball. I was on T.J.'s team, and Fatica was both the creator and ref of all the games. Even though my basketball skills have been decreasing ever since I was cut from the freshman basketball team, I still enjoyed myself in the few minutes I played on the team. Unbeknown to me at the time, Fatica used that Intramural Basketball program to recruit another confused, lonely, and bewildered kid into his "army" of converts. My home church, Crossroads Free Methodist Church What Fatica indirectly promised were things I wanted so much. I have been actively participating in my home church, Crossroads Free Methodist Church, ever since I was 6 years old. I loved doing the things I did at the church: starting my old ministry at age 12, being the youngest active greeter at age 13, and being one of the smart and knowledgeable kids in all my Sunday School classes. However, Paramus Catholic isn't exactly a church. Fatica promised experiences that will strengthen my knowledge of Christ and the Bible and also connect me with a community of people who feel the same way I did. He promised to bring me back to Christ and give me people to handle my loneliness. Of course, being a freshman who wanted people to love him by using my big mouth helped too. The retreat and the first few Wednesday Night Prayers I attended were events where people actually cared to say hey, where people cared to pray over me, and where people clapped over me and any small thing I said about myself or Christ. Being 14 years old, things like this was the closest thing I had to pure acclamation over everything I did or said. It was the closest thing I had to feeling "cool", even in spite of all the things my big mouth handcuffed me to that freshman year. Fatica was also someone who I thought was a "rebel". From the beginning to the end, Fatica constantly talked about his "religious battles" with our current President of PC, Mr. Vail, and our principal, Mr. Agostino. He talked the halls of Paramus Catholic with a swagger I never saw displayed in another human being before. He sported strong arm muscles while doing his classic "hand-stand push-ups" almost every Wednesday Night Prayer. In order to relate to the kids at PC, he performed feats of strength with those hand-stand push-ups to get people's attention, while showing off his brand new LeBron James jersey. He talked strong, he walked strong, he acted strong, and to me, he was strong. Through his appearance and sermons, he made me believe in his mission, and though I didn't know what the heck I was getting myself into, I never completely left the ministry. Even when I started to participate in other activities at PC that took more of my time and attention (the plays and the Ambassadors are two examples), I was never able to remove myself completely from PC ministry. Trust me, I wanted to quit and move on a couple of times. Talk to my best friends about the AIM conversations or the car rides home from WNP those four years, and half the time, I talked about quitting ministry, how much the people in PC ministry frustrated me, and how much I "hated" Fatica. The reality is that I never really hated Fatica. Even as I check and keep/delete teachers comments on RateMyTeacher.com (I'm the administrator for PC =P), I delete comments when people state that Fatica is a "fake", "a terrible person", and that Hard as Nails ministry is a "scam". It is obviously to me that these people have little idea who Fatica really is. Who is Mr. Justin Fatica to me? * A man who has a big heart for people, though he is quite a flawed and failed man. * A man who truly wants to follow Christ and to get others to follow Christ like him. * A brash man whose methods of evangelism work for some and turn off many others. * A bold man with a brazen sound. * A man who can be very tactless and who broke me down and hurt me at times. * A man who may seem like he has all the answers, but knows that he doesn't. A man who can be quite impulsive with things he say. Most of all though... he is man who is genuinely mad for Jesus, even though he doesn't know how to express that at times. I gave for him, his ministry, PC ministry, and for Christ and I have no regrets for all that I did. He was a big part of my life, though many people now may not know that. He's a good but misunderstood man, and many of those misunderstandings were of his doing. Those misunderstandings put a stamp on Paramus Catholic and on me for years to come. However, the same can be said for the great things he did with PC ministry as well. Here is my personal account of my four years with a madman for Jesus Christ. Trust me, it won't be a pretty ride. **************************************************** The rest of the post will be separated into 4 sections: * Wedding * Young Apostles 4 and 5 * Hard as Nails/Cross and Crown retreats * End of the line and where I'm at now I will go a bit out of time order because Young Apostles happened from the summer after my freshman year of high school to the middle of Junior year. The wedding happened the summer after my Sophomore year. The retreats happened throughout my time there up to the beginning of Senior year with my last Cross and Crown retreat. The end of the line will take place after graduation. **************************************************** "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 There's nothing like a wedding in order to see how beautiful two people's hearts really are. I was able to experience that when I got on a bus with a couple of fellow PC students to see Mr. Fatica get married to his sweetheart. Ah, wow! Us after the wedding It was a strange moment to say the least. It was the summer after my Sophomore year, and it was the first summer since my "Summer of Hell" where, even though I went to a FCA Camp and Promise Keepers, I almost took my own life. However, I was finally growing into my own skin. A few months before, I won a personal victory, getting elected as the Treasurer for Student Counsel. I was getting my feet wet in PC Ministry as a Young Apostles. Things were on the up and up. The ride up was pretty awesome, especially going through Scranton and getting up to Syracuse. Thinking about Syracuse has another meaning to it, but that's for another post =P. Fast-forward from the ride up to the chapel ceremony. There were a good amount of people here. Though the ceremony was held in Mary's church, the priest that worked with Fatica all his life was on hand to marry them. I was sitting in the chapel, watching all this unfold. Mind you, I was 15 and I didn't really understand the aspect of eternal, everlasting love within the context of human love. I was looking around most of the time, and truthfully, I was bored at times. I never knew that a Catholic wedding had some structures to the Catholic Mass. Growing from PC ministry, I started to love the Catholic Mass and the truth that is in the Eucharist. However, at that point, in a church I have never been in and that I will never be in again, I didn't care too much for the service. What I do remember were the little things. I remember 1 Corinthians 13 being read. I remember Genesis 2:23-24 being read. I remember 1 Peter 3:7 being read. I remember the glint in Mary and Justin's eyes when I saw them hearing the verses, hearing the Homily, and staring lovingly into each other's eyes. Mind you, this is the first non-family wedding I have been to, but it was one of the first times where I could see love. On that day, and from that time on, I saw love and it was Justin and Mary. As much as they may be different, there is no shadow of doubt in my mind that Fatica loved Mary and Mary loved him back. Outside of all the drama the ministry was causing, outside of all the people Fatica tried to get on the retreats, outside of the people who thought he was "fake", and outside of PC ministry all together, I saw Fatica in his most genuine moment: the moment where love came into his heart and never left. Justin and his lovely wife, Mary, as they walk out of the church If there was ever a moment that gave Fatica even more motivation, it was his wedding for he was able to see what love can do and what love can complete. He was now married to the love of his life, and from that moment on, one of his best examples of what love is and what love can do will be embedded in the heart and soul of his wonderful wife. "Now I know you may have made mistakes But there's forgiveness and a second chance So wait for me darling, wait for me... -- Rebecca St. James - Wait For Me They waited, and now, two finally became one. God saw them, and said that it was good. =) **************************************************** To be frank, my experience with Young Apostles was a scarring one. Yes, I loved the thought of being able to help put together the Wednesday Night Prayers that I loved to go to. Yes, I loved the thought of being able to connect with other people that had the same goal in mind. And yes, I loved the thought of being the "elite" people out of PC Ministry. The way that Fatica did Young Apostles felt a bit like boot camp. You have to be at the meetings on time, or else. Young Apostles has to be your #1 priority or else. You have to do what he says or else. The "else" was usually either him "gently" reminding you of your responsibilities or threats of kicking you out of YA. Needless to say, it wasn't the love-fest-for-God I thought it would be. It was more about discipline than anything else. Young Apostles 4 When I got into the Young Apostles as YA4, I thought it was going to be extremely awesome. The people were cool, the retreat brought us closer, and things could have not gotten off to a better start. However, things did get worse, and quickly too. School started up again. People started to miss meetings. We weren't able to hang out as much as we wanted to. And, for the first time, WNP was becoming a burden. Every Wednesday, I would wait around, hang out with Mark or other people who would hang around, and cringe when 4 pm came around for our YA meeting. There's no doubt I learned a lot in my first session as a YA. Fatica conducts the meetings like a mini-WNP, just for us. I felt kinda special with that. However, in the meetings, I saw parts of Fatica's ugliness that I never hope I would ever see. There is no other moment that explains that as I would like to call it, the "Infamous Rosary Incident". I'm Free Methodist, admittedly. It's an evangelistic Protestant denomination. However, I have thought many times to convert. In fact, one of the conversations I will always keep in my heart is a conversation I had with Fatica about the Eucharist and how he "can't believe" a faithful kid like me can't receive the Eucharist because of my denomination, but a Catholic who doesn't understand Catholicism nor the power of the Eucharist can. He understood that I'm a Christian, but a couple of times, he just couldn't understand that I was not Catholic. People ask me all the time "why don't you convert?", "you respect Catholicism so much, why not become Catholic?", and "you're so much like a Catholic, why aren't you?" Admittedly, I confuse people by going to the Catholic Underground here and doing Catholic retreats while in high school. I love the Catholic Mass and I love many of the Catholics I meet. There are a small number of Catholics and former Catholics who have changed my life forever. From Sar to Mark to Kel to Col to so many others, Catholics (whether practicing or very non-practicing) have impacted me so much. The reason why I haven't converted though is because I still have questions and doubts about the Church. I rather go to the Source to talk about my sins and ask for forgiveness. I try but I can't truly understand the intersession of the saints. And the Rosary, oh boy. When you talk about the Rosary with me (as Daria did last night), there is one story I don't usually explain why I just can't pray the Rosary. It was about the 3rd month out of the 6 month commitment. Fatica had us all around. We had our full team at this point, though I don't remember Valdo in this story at all. He had us all get a carpet and kneel up-right. Now, if you have ever seen me at a Catholic Mass, I never kneel the full way. I usually sit on my legs while kneeling because my knees start to hurt really bad when I'm up-right kneeling on them. When he asked us to do this, all of me inside recoiled at the thought, but I did it anyway. Fatica told us that, as a metaphor, real hard-core Christians have rug burns on their knees or something like that. Just hearing that made me even more concerned about what's going to happen next. We started to do the rosary on our knees up-right. He wanted us to do the entire rosary in this position. A rosary is five decades, and trust me, it felt like I was on my knees for five true decades! Usually, a full rosary can be done in about 15 minutes. However, Fatica put a twist on it, having us reflect after every decade and (I believe) having one of us say a prayer outloud after every decade, which dragged the thing out even longer. By the first decade, I was ok, not in pain yet. By the second decade, my body weight started to suppress my body down harder and harder on the carpet below my knees. By the third decade, my face was starting to show signs of the excruciating pain and anguish my entire body was feeling. I tried my hardest not to show it, but whoever saw me, at that moment, knew I wanted to sit down. Donnie, one of the guys on the team and a Junior, saw me in pain, and he didn't want me to keep going on. He interrupted Fatica's rosary to ask if I can sit down. I looked at Fatica with a pathetic glance with pure anguish in my eyes. He never looked back, and said to Donnie that we're going to continue, ignoring my non-verbal exclamations of mercy and pity. Donnie and Fatica went back and forth on the subject. While Donnie got more angry, Fatica got more stern. Finally, Donnie said that he had enough of this, stood up, and walked out of the room. It was the last time I ever saw him in our meeting room. After his departure, Fatica yelled back about him running away from his responsibility as a Young Apostle. He looked back at me and said that if I wanted to sit down, I could. I smiled, stretched my legs out, and put my legs in an Indian fashion. As my legs were getting back the feeling of blood pumping through them at a normal rate, I continued the rosary with the other guys, feeling extreme gratitude to Donnie for stepping up for me. After the meeting, I was able to find Donnie to thank him for standing up for me. It was one of the major ways where one of Fatica's disciples actually practiced what Jesus preached and Fatica didn't. What would Jesus have done? I believe He would have told me to relax and sit down. Christ knew that it was extremely hard for me to focus on the Rosary and on Him while I was in extreme pain. Donnie did what Jesus did that day, but the Young Apostles and my experiences with it will never be the same. Fatica carved the most painful experience of my time as a Young Apostle and associated it with the practice of praying the Rosary. I understand the meaning behind the Rosary and how Catholics don't really pray to Mary when they do it. But my experiences with the Rosary from that point on were non-fruitful and fake. It didn't feel genuine. However, it brought about one of the most vivid examples of Jesus Christ to me. Though I can't pray the Rosary without remembering that incident or feeling empty and hallow, I connect the Rosary to that incident. I still remember the pain. Young Apostles 5 I stuck with Young Apostles for one more session as Young Apostles 5. Why? I don't have a clear answer for that one. I know that I thought God wanted me to stay with it. I also thought that my dedication to PC Ministry was directly connected with my participation in the WNPs and Young Apostles. Whatever was my reason to stay, I stayed. The feeling from the beginning of Young Apostles 4 never came with the new team. I had one of my best friends in the group, and yet, it didn't feel the same. We never had an overnight retreat with our group. It felt more disorganized than the last team. Most of all, Young Apostles and WNP completely became a burden and just a "thing to do" that got me out of play practice for "You Can't Take It With You" earlier. Using the reasons of the plays I wanted to do and my other activities, I finished my session with Young Apostles 5 and I never looked back. There were moments of joy. I still have pictures of some of our YA hangouts. Those pictures made me smile, especially the hangouts at Nate's house. However, the year I was a Young Apostle was a hard year. My Wednesdays from 4 to 10 pm would never be the same. I started to question more about Fatica's intentions at PC. Nothing made me question him more than the sidebars of PC Ministry: Hard as Nails Ministry and the Cross and Crown retreats. **************************************************** "It was a beautiful let down when You found me here Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear I'll be a beautiful let down, that's what I'll forever be And though it may cost my soul, I'll sing for free..." -- Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown "The Beautiful Letdown" was the song I used as my theme song for my last talk ever during my Senior year on the Cross and Crown retreat. I would have to put the Cross and Crown retreats down as one of the best experiences I had at PC. The sign posters in my room signify the importance of those retreats to me. I went on three retreats and lead three at PC. I went to the FCA Overnight retreat, Cross and Crown retreat and the Journey retreat, while leading the last ever FCA Overnight and two Cross and Crown retreats. At those retreats, I met and got to know some of my closest friends at PC like Perriwinkle and Priscilla =P. With the Cross and Crown retreats, I found I had a great ability of making rosaries out of anything that was stringy from actual string to rope to twine. Sure, I couldn't pray the Rosary, but I could make some mean rosaries in my day. I made about a good 20 to 25 rosaries per week. I made some just for fun. Yes, I was crazy, but let's move on from that. =P When it comes to retreats, those were Fatica at his highest moments of excitement. He never let the kid in him die. During worship on retreats, he was just that much more hyper. He jumped higher, screamed louder, and preached more stern. He was in the zone when it came to the retreats. With retreat meetings, he was not as crazy as he was in the meetings with the Young Apostles. He expected much more from the Young Apostles when it came to prayer, attendance of meetings, and things they needed to do for him or for WNP. With the Cross and Crown retreat, even though he was the head speaker and he was the head of the retreat, I don't remember his appearance that much in the meetings. We had two separate teams for those retreats: the Cross and the Crown teams. The Crown team was out there with the kids and doing the talks, while the Cross team fasted, prayed, and worked behind the scenes for the retreat. Though he usually leaded up the Crown team, I remember my experiences in the Cross team much more. With his wife Mary as the head of the Cross teams (when I was there) and Mark's dad, Ray Sunshine (as we called him), assisted, I learned the importance of fasting. With her, I actually grew in my faith, even if it was just that little more. I felt challenged while working on the Cross team, but unlike my Young Apostles experience, the challenge wasn't a burden. It was a struggle, but I grew in my understanding of Jesus Christ. My main frustration with Fatica and Wednesday Night Prayer in the last 2 years was that the message seemed to be the same things I heard over and over again. The messages dealt with, as Fatica used to describe some girls, "fluff" subjects that didn't challenge me. At this point, I was learning more at my church, while committing to praying and reading the Bible every day (which I still do now). The messages dealt with new or baby Christians. However, I didn't want the baby food anymore. I wanted the meat, the steak, and the juicy center of a well-cooked hamburger in my message. God gave me that through an unlikely source: his wife, and the work she and Ray Sunshine and all the other adults put into everything. Ray's dedication and Mary's devotion to the retreat and to the Cross team gave me that meat. And believe me, I was fed... very well. =) When it comes to Fatica's messages on any retreat or WNP at Paramus Catholic, he always sprinkled his ministry, Hard as Nails (HaN), into his message or the program of the night. My participation with HaN started when I was in YA4. We were required to do a HaN retreat with him. The first retreat I did was the only one I truly remember: the lock-in overnight retreat at Our Lady of Good Counsel in Washington Township. A picture of some of the kids from the 2nd Lock-in Retreat I went to The importance of that retreat can be found in two instances. I'll briefly touch the second instance in the end of this section. The first instance was that it was the first retreat I did outside the halls of Paramus Catholic. I had so much fun on the retreat. I remember faintly that I actually talked in front of a good 100 kids, which was something I never did before. That gave me the strength to do what I do now at Church: do the announcements in front of 130+ people every other Sunday as well as co-lead a Sunday School class. Fatica lead the retreat, and I remember it as a great night-into-day event. It was during December of my Sophomore year in a weekend before the craziness of the rest of that year. To be brief, I got in-school suspended the week after that event. The next month, I was literally locked up in the Vice Principal's office for 7 periods, crying my eyes out because I was being blamed for something I didn't do. Ironically though, I cried about a couple of things. I worried about my scholarship to PC. I worried about how my family would react. Most of all, though, I worried about how Fatica would react. The strange thing is that Fatica eased up his pressure on me as a Young Apostle after the incident. Whether the Vice Principal had something to do with that, I have no idea. All I knew was I was growing as a child of God and as a man outside the watchful eyes and stunning sermons of Fatica. As the HaN ministry continued to grow, more PC people were participating in the retreats. As they grew with Fatica, I grew away from the HaN ministry. As the HaN ministry grew, I saw the impact of the ministry throughout WNP at PC. He sold some of his HaN shirts before some WNPs, and heck, I saw a couple of the kids wearing those shirts religiously. At times, it was hard to separate the two ministries, and Fatica didn't make that job easier by mentioning past HaN retreats in his message and in the program. The more publicity Hard as Nails got, the more churches hired the ministry for a retreat or two. The more people knew about the ministry, the easier it was for him to get gigs all over the East Coast (which is the situation now). To this day, I have no idea if Fatica used PC ministry as a way to springboard into his own ministry. I saw him put quite a lot of time into PC Ministry as well as HaN ministry. What I can say is that the two ministries were blended and molded together at times during my four years in ministry. If PC was used for HaN, you can make a lot of points for both sides. Whether PC was for him to prep himself for future HaN ministry work or get the ball rolling and the word out about HaN, Hard as Nails is as big as I have ever seen it before. There is no doubt in my mind that if there wasn't PC Ministry, Hard as Nails would not be as strong as it is today, period. **************************************************** A week or so ago, I was sitting in my room. This was during my Spring Break, so I can stay up longer than usual. It was around 3:30ish in the morning, and I was curious about how Fatica was doing and the like. I went to his website (http://www.hanm.org) and I went to the Message section. In it, I decided to start a tradition: I would listen to one of the 7 clips on the site every night before I went to sleep. The truth is I haven't seen the man in two years and I wanted to see how he was going with his message. I go into the message titled "Beautiful Dating", and I started listening to it. Fatica started to do his funny intros, getting the crowd excited as only he can. Though I didn't see the people who he preached to, from the sound of them, it seemed that the kids were pretty young. Let's go with the ages of 14 to 17. By the one minute mark of the file I was listening to, he asked all the gentlemen to stand up. He got all the guys up. He wanted them to repeat what he said, so he goes "I'm attracted... to WOMEN!" The guys respond back, and Fatica goes "So who's attracted to women in here?" Some of the girls in the crowd laugh. In a joking matter, Fatica states, "Please seek a counselor if you're not, please..." Some of the kids kept laughing. Fatica keeps going, saying "Rob, if you're here, please send them somewhere if they're not". Apparently, Fatica knew that he just put his foot in his mouth because he stuttered next, "I hope that... well, yes, we are all attracted in different ways, but hopefully you're attracted to... GIVE IT UP FOR WOMEN NOW!" The crowd applauds, Fatica gets out of a sticky situation, and the rest of the message goes off without a hitch. I had to stop the message. My jaw dropped and didn't get back up for a good 5 minutes. The man just said something that reeks of homophobia. Knowing Fatica, I do think that he isn't homophobic. If he was able to deal with me, especially with the plenty "are you gay?" comments and questions fired about me at my best friends, I believe he wasn't homophobic. However, it is truly irresponsible to speak slander against homosexuals, especially if the man claims to preach about love and focusing on the all-encompassing attributes of that virtue. The thing is, within my time with Fatica, he says little things like this that makes you question whether or not he is genuine and sincere. I talked about this with my friend Samika, and her question was simply this, "why does he say things like that?" My answer: "I have no idea." And I really have no idea why he has small lapses like that. He's not perfect, but to think that a seemingly homophobic comment can seep into his message to a crowd of hundreds of kids hungry for the Message, it scares me. In reality, I can't take those small sayings and use it to accurately assess him as a man and the preacher of the Word. I slip up. Others slip up. Priests and pastors do all the time, though usually not in front of a huge crowd. What I can take from this is that Fatica, like all of us, have a lot of room to grow as followers and children of God. Maybe, in the future, his message won't be tainted with lines and words like that. By the mercy of Christ, I pray and hope that no one will be lead astray through small sayings like this. However, I know people who have strayed away from ministry or even from God because of Fatica and his poor example of Christ at times. I'm sure I have done the same as well as many of you who are reading this. If I have to describe who he is, I look at him not just for the mistakes he has made, but also the fruit his ministry and his message has bore. He's not a perfect man, and yes, he has hurt me at times, but he is like every one of us: a sinner. His failures are just bigger and easier for us to see and judge. To finish up the last section, I will explain briefly about the second instance of the retreat's importance, because my next post will probably deal with this. I came back to it. I still remember the dates: January 30th-31st, 2005. After a crazy day of Quiz Bowl, I went to the retreat with a few friends: Kathleen, Megan, Diana and Cassie (as I remember it). To fast-forward this entire story, I went someone extremely special there, and she's the reason why my relationship status is set as "It's Complicated" because... it is. =P Now, more than two years later, I'm still talking with that someone special, Colleen, and as we plan on a weekend for me to come up and visit, I reflect back on why I was there on that retreat. The one answer I think of drives me crazy to even fathom. *Fatica indirectly was the reason why I was on that retreat.* January 30th-31st, 2005 are two dates that I will remember for quite a long time. Heck, when you meet someone who means so much to you and has changed your life in ways you can't explain, you remember those dates. =P It's hard to give you the full extent of what Fatica's example has done in my life. Outside of his watchful eye, I'm growing more every day as a child of God, more than I did when I was in PC Ministry. I pray more than I ever have before, and I consistently read the Bible every day with my devotional. I co-lead a class, and I'm viewed as a leader at my Church. And I want more. I want to grow more. I want to do more. I want to be more like Christ. I think breaking out of PC Ministry helped me more than I know at this point. I have a pseudo-relationship with someone who helps me grow deeper in love with Christ. I actually have to work on my relationship with Christ. I'm seeing the damage of sins more in my life and in others. Just like Fatica indirectly helped me, I indirectly thank him for being and not being the example of Christ. Because of him, I'm able to make my own decisions about Christ and my relationship with Christ. Whether I may agree or disagree with him at times, though all the crap I went with and through him, I am now who I am today: an active and passionate follower of Christ. I'm content and happy with where I'm at, in spite and thanks to Fatica. The Hard as Nails website tells people to come to see the documentary to "see how HBO and film crew depict Hard as Nails". I will be at the premiere to see if HBO was accurate. If they are, the documentary will show not only the moments where Fatica helps plant another seed for Christ, but also the moments where Fatica throws away another seed. It will show the pros and cons of Fatica and the ministry. If the documentary is able to do that, I will go back to the dorms happy about seeing a good and accurate documentary. Fatica brought me towards and away from Christ, but through all of that, I can only say one thing... thank you. =) Brent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2006
8:48 pm	That's all! COMBAT CARDS 2.1 watch BisB fight CREATE YOUR CARD (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 9th, 2006
3:51 am	Now! To explain the video by some of the frames and pictures... and Camp! :-) First, the video! :-) ♥ 0:45 to 0:48 --> lyric: "I'm sick of crawling off the bus..." the first picture is of the New York skyline as I take the 190 back home to Paterson... you see two others throughout the piece (see 5:54 to 5:57)... the second picture is of my hand, which makes a great wallpaper for your computer :-) ♥ 1:10 --> lyric: "But you don't know my way around...", the pic's of me, completely unshaved, watching the water alone over the end of 60th and 11th, I thought it was great to have the "No Trespassing" sign along there... ♥ 1:12 to 1:15 --> lyric: "Hell... is just below me...", the pic's of the intersection of my campus at Fordham, 60th and Columbus... it comes in exactly on the word, Hell, because, at times, that place was pure hell to be in, with the atmosphere I was in at times with the people there... it just gives me the willies to think about it... And honestly, I haven't been able to say that at all to almost anyone until now... it's a great lump off my chest... but I can say it and say it again: Fordham University was pure hell at times... but I like it enough to say for the next 3 years... if I must be a loner, I must be a loner, and if that's a calling, then I'll take it... :-) The two "walking" pics are of my... feet in Central Park, my first day in October, walking around and taking pictures... **I did my best to put my pictures in time-order... though some are mixed up, for good reason, as I am explaining... :-)** ♥ 1:59 to 2:01 --> lyric: "trading... alienation..." the two pics are of an empty ball field, which, as all of you know, I absolutely love playing softball and watching baseball (which is obvious with my Yankee Stadium pics at the end) and it just shows emptiness in the Fall... the second picture: a lone runner, playing off the word "alienation"... ♥ 2:12 to 2:14 --> lyric: "I joined up with insanity..." the pic's of an anti-Bush demonstration outside Columbus Circle/the entrance of Central Park, which was... well... insanity! Though I'm not exactly a Bush supporter, some of the things the people said were... well... insane, and the insults of Bush and Chaney were nothing short of childish... ♥ 2:15 to 2:19 --> lyric: "I wanna pull the lever of the hatch I built, escaping truth and avoiding guilt so far..." the first pic: the monument of Columbus in Columbus Circle looks like a lever! Eh? :-P the second pic: cabs and cars "escaping" from the roads in Central Park... yea, corny, I know :-P... ♥ 2:31 to 2:33 ---> lyric: "The light is fading..." the picture is from me sitting in front of Columbus Circle, taking a pic of the colors of the sunset overlooking Broadway :-)... ♥ 4:07 --> lyric: "No... connection..." the picture is of a sign saying "2006 better", this was one of the last pics I took in 2005, I saw the sign walking back from the end of 60th and 11th (see 1:10) ♥ 4:08 to 4:47 --> instrumental break! I decided to post all my Camp Timberledge pictures (from the Fall Retreat)... Camp Timberledge is beautiful and I will take more as I'm there for the 3 weeks... but in Fall? WOW! :-) ♥ 5:48 to 5:52 --> The three pictures are of this (in this order): 1st pic --> the look of my dorm building, 2nd and 3rd pics: the pictures of the construction of the water pipes outside my dorm room (6L), the construction will go on for 2 more years, the construction's done to replace old water pipes under NYC (which still has the cleanest tap water of any city)... ♥ 6:26 --> One of my random ideas to take a picture... I have another pic of me taking a pic in between my legs (which will be featured and used as the first pic of Part 2!) ♥ 6:34 until almost end ---> Yankee Stadium pictures: my 2nd true love (not before my wonderful Savior, of course :-D!), the Stadium and the atmosphere comforted me and loved me... :-) ♥ 6:52 --> "Wouldn't it be great if you could pay for things with a kiss?": my motto of the school year... :-) *************** Part 2 will detail pictures of the people I hung out with at Fordham, outside of Fordham, and during breaks at home... the song will be "You Are Loved" by Rebecca St. James because if there's one thing I'd like my friends to know, it's that there's a God that loves them even more than I can... but of course, if they don't go that way, it's totally fine, just ask my best friend (which she actually gets a pic in Part 2 :-D!)... "This is what I want to say to you If I had one chance to speak to your heart You are loved More than you could ever know This is what I want to say to you If I had one chance to tell you something You are loved More than you can imagine..." :-) *************** Now, as I am very slowly getting my body ready for sleep... after my long day (playing softball, pitching a complete game *7 innings*, my team winning 18-10 :-D)... I get myself ready to go to Camp... If you don't know, I go to Camp to be a counselor for 4th and 5th graders this week, 6th and 7th graders next week, and 8th and 9th graders the following week... I will be with little kids for 3 weeks, and I will be back for the Saturday nights for laundry and to catch up... I'm so nervous and yet I'm not... I'm just confident in my Lord, and yet I'm nervous... Guys, gals, please pray for me... for all you read this, I do like to tell you know that I do pray for you and I do love you... I will be Christ for these kids for 3 weeks... and for some reason, that comforts me... :-)... My address, if you guys can write me... :-)... Brent Nycz PO Box 152 Beach Lake, PA 18405 Thank you guys and gals for reading and I do wish to return to a comment here or there... :-) Bye and GB... B ♥ † Current Mood: tired/nervous Current Music: Rebecca St. James - God Help Me (quite fitting and still the most played song on my iPod) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
5:19 am	My first photo project about my school year is UP!!! On YouTube and MySpace... More info tomorrow... "I saw New York crack a smile for us..." Part 1 of 3 :-) (YouTube link) Enjoy! :-D Bye and GB... B ♥ † (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
2:43 am	23rd May, 2006. 2:41 am. So a month hiatus and THIS is what you get? Song lyrics? Sorry! :-P These lyrics inspired the background below this... this song was, more or less, my theme song within the time I was in the City... I enjoyed many great times, watching around Central Park, napping in Sheeps Meadow, reading a book on Cedar Hill... and it just describes me, period. Sophie B. Hawkins - No Connection lyrics "I’m tired of waking up I’m sick of rolling off the bus I want to sleep forever In the lies I’ve made The checks have bounced But the bills got paid so far On the Jaguar I call myself The lines get crossed On the short wave I get cut off ’Cause I can’t behave Very well You think you know me But you don’t know my way around Hell Is just below me And that’s why I keep falling down I’m praying to resist temptation Staying within my constellation Weighing every intonation Betraying alienation I quit sobriety I joined up with insanity I want to pull the lever on the hatch I built Escaping truth and avoiding guilt So far In the family car I get away The border’s nearer than I thought I’ll drive all day and I won’t get caught Anyway The light is fading And I haven’t had time to call You must be waiting For someone whose engines Won’t stall I’m feeling the strings of your rejection Kneeling in the wrong direction Sealing my heart to your neglection Revealing no connection..." One of the memories I hold in my mind was a long walk to get food, talking to Jean about all of this... And Jean, you may be interested to find out the e-mail I just got yesterday... The e-mail read: "Dear Brent, We are happy to extend to you the opportunity to be an Orientation Leader for the incoming class of 2010! You stood out in our minds during the application and interview process and we would be very happy if you could join us to help make this year's orientation fun and exciting for the incoming freshmen." I started to crack up, and honestly, I don't know if I'll take their delayed extension... but we'll see... To watch up this short post, I'll say that my photo/video essay will be produced in the upcoming weeks, and God is good :-), and Meredith, you're amazing (if you read this :-P)... and well... one last thing... 3 Things/People I Miss: 1. Camp Timberledge (not being able to plan in time for the retreat and the fact that I won't have any participation in Camp this year *not my choice* sucks the big one) 2. Colleen (oh yes I do...) 3. Not being able to say good-bye to Jackie and Amanda for the summer, I got the chance to do that to everyone else that I really cared about, except for those two... 'tis very unfortunate... And that's all... Bye and GB... B ♥ † (P.S. If I get the money from my check in the next few weeks, I may start my own Yankee blog in the next few weeks... look out for that :-D!) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Sophie B. Hawkins - No Connection (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
5:54 pm	20th April, 2006. 5:40 pm. 4/20/99 - 4/20/06... 7 years... Well, here I am at work, 3 hours left in my workday, and for some reason, I don't feel angry or upset at anyone... And I can see why... it doesn't have to do with anyone else but me... See, when all is said and done, I was the one who restricted my own feelings and my own words... people can give me all the advice in the word, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to what I decide to do... and I decided to say nothing... If any of this doesn't make sense, believe me, it does in my head :-P, and I addressed that in my last detailed post... which, because of that post and a heck of a lot of praying, I feel better about... So, for my shadiness, isolation and the like, I do apologize and I am sorry to my fellow readers and friends... it isn't me, and well, I do apologize for that... *************** But let's get away from the mushy stuff for just one moment... If any of you guys really know me, you know why this day in the year hits me harder than any other day... Sar knows it better than anyone else (and Sar, I recommend you not reading this post past this point... because you know what I'm going to talk about...) This may sound like a journalist-type piece... but I do want to start writing columns :-P... I'll start with a picture and a story... A few months ago, Alex's CD player looked and started to act completely busted. Considering I had an iPod and the like, I told him that I would gladly give him my CD player for the time being. If any of my immediate friends know, I completely decorated my CD players with stickers like "Christian Girls Rock" and "I <3 Jesus". On the front of the CD player stood 12 crosses with two of the crosses completely dilapidated, with a few of the other crosses beginning to look worn-out. Alex takes a look at my CD player, and asks me (paraphrased), "What's up with all the crosses?" What I told him is what I'm about to tell you guys now... About two years ago, I was hanging around in the house and my mom gave me a package of cross stickers. In the package held 5 sheets of 14 cross stickers. My mom loves stickers so I gave her 4 sheets, leaving me with just one. I began to look at the sheet of gold crosses and I remember the sentiment of the 15 crosses (as the picture above displays). Each cross symbolizes the death of the 15 (13 innocent plus the two killers). A few days after Columbine, a man decided to erect a memorial for all 15 dead. Due to a number of angry parents, Eric and Dylan's crosses were torn down by those parents, leaving the crosses to be 13. However, the original plan by the guy who thought of the idea was for the hill to illustrate 15 crosses, for all of us are sinners in God's eyes. Anyway, I thought about this and how much the Columbine tragedy has touched me and affected me over the years (which I will get into in a few minutes). I decided to adapt the same idea on my CD player. However, there's the issue of only having 14 crosses and 15 people. I personally felt that I connected to Eric and Dylan as one within their killings. I also felt that I connected to Rachel the most out of all involved. That's why, on the CD player, Rachel's cross is the biggest cross. It is also on top of the CD player in the center. I also combined Eric and Dylan to have one cross on the bottom of the CD player. Every cross has the initials of all that was killed (i.e. Rachel's cross would have RJS, etc.). *************** The first time I heard about Columbine was the day of. I was in 6th grade, and at that time, I was still harboring anger against my fellow classmates for the teasing and bullying I received from them in 4th and 5th grade. When I heard about Columbine for the first time, the first thing I can remember saying and thinking was: "Wow, that's so cool, I wish I could pull something like that off." The fact that I even had those thoughts still scare me to this day. I didn't think much about it until one fateful day in the beginning of my Sophomore year. My uncle would randomly stop by the Christian Bookstore a few miles away from where I live. One day, we stopped by there, and while my uncle was looking for music, I was by the Teens Book section. I was pretty tall then and now, so I decided to bend down and looked through the books. My eyes connected to one book. So, of course, I followed the myth of "read the book by its cover" and I bought the book. Little did I know that this one book would change my life forever... "Rachel's Tears: The Spiritual Journey of Columbine 'Martyr' Rachel Scott"... I purposedly put 'martyr' in quotes because of the research I have done on Rachel's and Cassie's supposed martyrdom that debukes the legend of both their martyrdom... However, even though she wasn't techically a martyr, Rachel Joy Scott was just an inspiration to me. Simply stated, reading Rachel's Tears made me to become a much stronger Christian and believer/follower in Jesus Christ. Also, simply stated, Rachel was blessed. She said her 'yes' to God every single day of her life ever since she gave her life to the Lord when he was 7 or 9 (not sure about the age). She was a thesipan, she wrote and wrote and wrote, she could sing, act, perform, she hated the idea of being ordinary or normal, and she was cute! :-P But most of all, she was passionate about who she was, and who she was in the eyes of Christ, and that was truly amazing. She also had the gift to see in the future. May of 1998, she wrote down this in her journal: "This will be my last year Lord. I have gotten what I can. Thank you." What is even more amazing is this... she drew a picture two hours before she was killed in her journal... this one right here: 13 tears... 13 killed... bloody rose = bloody Columbine... *************** In March, my sophomore English teacher assigned us a I-Search paper, which we would have interviews and surveys and the like. I decided to do mine on Columbine. My survey was of much talk by the administration because of the questions I asked about "have you ever thought about committing suicide?" and the like. What I illustrated in that paper was of incredible wealth, and honestly, it's the piece of work that I am most proud of, above any of my poetry or other papers. If anyone wants a copy of it, I would be more than happy to show it to you. :-) My research in Columbine didn't stop there. I was able to get so much more information about it through the police report, which debunks much of the legends associated with it, such as Cassie and Rachel being "martyrs" for their faith. After the first term paper, my research on Columbine became more of a truth-seeking report than anything else. When it comes to researching something like Columbine, when you dig deeper, you have to devoid yourself of most emotion. It's something that I realize when doing my research on Columbine. Emotion will give you a subjective view of the tragedy. Emotions would also let you believe in the myths that were produced by the tragedy like the "martyrs" and the real motive of why Eric and Dylan did what they did. Believe me, guys, they weren't targeting specific groups of people. They wanted to kill hundreds. See, for me to even make a statement like that, emotion must be devoid from your attachment to the story. Next year, my attachment to Columbine only grew as I purchased "Rachel's Smiles". Because of this, I decided to write another research paper dealing with the aftermath of Columbine (you know, gun laws, culture impact, etc.). Instead of the 100 I got the year before, I got a 90 because I posted too much research and not enough of me in the paper and what I thought about it (Which, as I can see now, it has been a problem here at Fordham and my papers here as well). My best friend Sar had to deal with me talking about this for the past 2 years, which gave her nightmares up the anus, which I apologize for. However, the Columbine tragedy is one of the very few things that I have extensive knowledge about. The Columbine tragedy was my 9-11, it was a tragedy that hit home for me in many ways: I related to every person that was killed, from Eric and Dylan to Rachel and Cassie... just like the Bible, I continue to look into the tragedy and what I can find to find the truth behind the chaos and mess... But most of all, Columbine is I and I am it... it's crazy for someone to equate themselves to a tragedy like Columbine, but people do it all the time with Christ so... =P The chaos, the mess, and the humanity behind it all... *sighs*... On Tuesday, April 20, 1999, at 11:19 am, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold started one of the worst tragedies this country has ever seen... the pure humanity and senseless of it all has hit America... but most of all, it has hit me... And that's why I'm typing here today, to just say that life is precious, life is amazing, life is sweet, life is... it's just life... just do what you can, and if you do it for God, more power, prayer and love to you... :-) *************** For the past 3 years, I have done something like this on April 20th... and for the past 3 years, I have hated the notion of 420, which most of you guys know what that means... I still do hate 420 for the life of me (even though I support the legalization of pot but that's another entry :-P)... The reason why I hate it is because of Columbine... but I digress... On April 21, 2005 at 12:30 am, I posted back up the first background I ever made for my computer (as you can see below)... I took the words that are printed on her journal (which is visible to see there)... and if you can see, there is a hole below the word "AVERAGE" on her journal on the second side, that's where one of Eric's bullets pierced through Rachel's backpack through her journal... On April 20, 2004 at 10:01 pm, I wrote and posted a poem titled "Joy", dedicated to Rachel Joy Scott and her embodiment of what Joy truly was... And now, my tribute this year is the background of why I have been fascinated about the Columbine tragedy, why my best friend Sar had a good number of nightmares :-P, and the inspiration why I am a Christian and a struggling yet passionate one at that... *************** To wrap this up, it is quite interesting how life is circular... On the cover of Rachel's journal, it reads: "I write not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of fame, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul!" It's quite a bold statement for any 17-year-old to make... but it's also a statement that I attribute to myself... As you guys can see, I haven't posted anything public for quite some time, the frequency of my posts have been weak (if even that), and posting only privately has really hindered my writing and who I am... As silly as this sounds, I am what I write... and if I don't truly write for the sake of my soul, then what good am I... really? If I'm upset, I should be able to write about it, if I'm hurt, I should be able to write about it, etc etc... and my public posts have been lacking in much of my emotion... Yes, my writing does mean a lot to me, and because of the fact that I have been neglecting myself from writing in these journals publicly for the past month or so... hell, it takes a lot out of me... And in that, I took it out on the people who I do care about the most here: my friends at Fordham... my disappearing act the past 2 days have been a reaction to that, and to things I have had to deal with between myself and God... Now, that I am actively writing publicly again and that I got things taken care of between me and God, I do apologize for my actions and the like... just remind me to write more :-D! *************** To the 15 who died that fateful day on April 20, 1999... I extend my prayers and thoughts to the 15... For Cassie Bernall, Steven Curnow, Corey DePooter, Kelly Fleming, Matt Kechter, Dan Rohrbough, Dave Sanders, Isaiah Shoels, John Tomlin, Lauren Townsend, Kyle Velasquez, Daniel Mauser, Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, and most importantly, from me, Rachel Joy Scott... thank you, God, for blessing me with such an inspiration... =) ^ Rachel's car... a makeshift memorial to her and the life she lived for the Lord... :-) Rachel Joy Scott: August 5th, 1981 - April 20, 1999 "She was the joy in our lives." (Thank you to http://www.dylanklebold.com for the information and research you provided for me =D!) Bye and GB... B ♥ † Current mood: okay. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:37 am	20th April, 2006. 11:35 am. Wow... I actually woke up... in a good mood... for the first time... in 3 days... It makes me wanna forget all the problems I wrote about before in my past entries... wow... Sorry, I'm just in shock... I just had to tell someone... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
11:23 pm	19th April, 2006. 11:17 pm. Finally, a non-private post!!! YAY! :-P First, let me just detail for you how strange my day today has been, in a few steps... 1. I haven't said more than a sentence in succession to Alex, I haven't said more than a word in succession to Sam, and I haven't had any communication with any of the other 4... strange... 2. I haven't gotten a hug, a handshake, a pat on the back or anything this entire day... which is an absolute first... 3. I spent the most time outside the dorms today... spending more than 5 hours in Central Park, reading, sleeping on Cedar Hill, spending an hour at the MET, it was a wonderful time... 4. The longest conversation I have had so far today has been with someone who's in my Chemistry class and who (ironically) I have talked to before school even started, Lauren... and it was about my Chemistry notes... 5. I think I have realized something about myself... and I'll put this in italics b/c it's more or less a quote from myself... "If I don't like you, I don't have to say it... just one cold, heartless interaction with me, that's all the clues you need..." -- B I think I know that now more than ever... 6. I have been told to not speak my mind and to not speak my heart and to not express myself openly for the listeners won't either care or understand or can't handle it... Restricting artistic and emotional freedom freaks me out and, yes, makes me uncomfortable... I never had to hold back so much and to bite my tongue as much as I have the past 2 months, and for that, my heart and my mind are paying the price... I hate compromising my personality... absolutely hate it... my personality is honest, and if I'm not able to be that, I compromise who I am, and therefore, I'm not who I truly am... That's why this post feels so good to type... I'm not supposed to finish my 1st year at Fordham feeling completely jaded, but that's how I feel in so many ways: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically... I have learned that I don't need to depend and put my entire hope in people as I have in the past... I have learned that in and outside of Fordham in so many ways, through illustrations from my friends here and through situations outside of here... that's why I tell people that my faith is stronger than it has ever been: because I had to depend and put my hope in God Himself... 7. I'm so sick and tired of hearing our RA knock on our door... *sighs*... I'm supposed to make "flyers" for our "program", the flyers are due tomorrow, and I should talk to Jackie about setting a date for that... but I don't feel like being proactive today or tonight... *huffs* 8. I just lost my English teacher's e-m... nevermind! Found it... yay... 9. I do hope next year will be better... I like the classes, I like the atmosphere, I like NYC, there's just one aspect that I don't like... but if this Fordham experience requires me to be, more or less, a loner, well, then, I shall be it... it'll just be a complete departure to what it was like at high school for me, but *shrugs* it's all good for me... I'm starting to lose inspiration so I guess I'll end it with a Sophie B. Hawkins song... aptly titled "I Walk Alone", bold-ing the words what I thought relates to me... "I wanted to be loved I wanted to be known I wanted to be held I wanted to be thrown Into this world I wanted to be your little girl I wanted to be shy I wanted to be dumb I wanted to be blind I wanted to be young As a child I wanted to feel myself Worthwhile You shot like star dust through me And I wanted you to be All that I would ever need And my trial Is leaving now while I’m still strong I wanted you to be the one Though you knew it all along I walk alone God speed your love God take me home I walk alone God be my judge God still my soul I tried to be your wife I tried to be your friend I tried to take my life I tried to understand How I failed In your eyes I can’t prevail There’s nothing more that I can do But carry on without you Finding love in spite of truth And I sail the seas of destiny’s song In my heart I may hold on But you’ll reach and I’ll be gone I walk alone God speed your love God take me home I walk alone God be my judge God still my soul I walk alone In God I trust Where I belong I walk alone In God I must Proclaim my own..." 10. I'm starting to fall in love with Sophie B. Hawkins' music... just like Central Park and the MET, it's a beautiful thing... :-) 11. I am becoming a pure actor... this is strange... no one actually asked what's wrong with me the past two days... amazing! Think I should change my major? Brent's sarcastim at its finest... Lastly, 12. I hope I gave you guys who read this enough to read and think over for the next few days... and if you're not happy with what I wrote, tough :-)... Bye and GB... B ♥ † Current mood: indescribable. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Sophie B. Hawkins - The Hardest Childe (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
2:09 pm	Just a query... How easy is it to transfer colleges? *Please don't make this question bigger than it is :-P, thanks...* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 21st, 2004
12:38 am	I have decided... Only Xanga and GreatestJournal for the time being... Xanga: GreatestJournal; Bye and God bless... B ♥ † Current Mood: tired Current Music: Beenie Man, Mr. Vegas and T.O.K. - Reload (Comment on this)
Friday, June 18th, 2004
12:12 am	The possible rebirth of Brent's LiveJournal... I am highly thinking of using this journal as a regular journal... But until then... Xanga: www.xanga.com/bjnplustheone143 GreatestJournal: www.greatestjournal.com/users/startingover404 Both look GREAT! :-D Bye and GB... :-) B ♥ Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: None... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
10:04 pm	Hate... Joy (Dedicated to Rachel Joy Scott for the 5-year anniversary of Columbine) Joy, came into existence on August the 5th, ready to live and love as her Creator... Joy, found who her Creator was at an early age, such a blessed time was this... Joy, seemed tiny but lived tall, looked small but loved big, appeared weak but stood strong... Joy, cared for Him, cared for her family, cared for her friends all more than herself... Joy, lived a life not too unusual than the passing-byre in the halls... Joy, performed on the stage in shows like "Smoke in the Room"... Joy, offered up praise through the mime skits she did with Ray Boltz songs... Joy, lived out her life for Him without the care of anyone around her... Joy, shared many problems that people in this world can relate to... Joy, loved 2 separate fathers and 2 separate mothers... Joy, struggled with two physical temptations: smoke and drink... Joy, preserved to live for her Father through it all... Joy, desired never to give up until her final breath... Joy, knew that her last year was truly her final year... Joy, wrote to her Creator in her numerous journals... Joy, wrote to her Father letters of aspiration, inspiration and thanksgiving... Joy, wrote to Him her fears, her sadness, her desires, and her dreams... Joy, touched by God through these writings and drawings... Joy, saw the world with hurting and tearing eyes... Joy, wanted so bad to make an impact, a chain reaction for her loving God... Joy, made that impact in a way she would have never known... Joy, made that impact like her Savior, through her innocent blood... Joy, ate lunch with her friend Richard outside her loving Columbine at 11:19 am... Joy, took 4 gun shots through her body due to the mere fact that she was a human... Joy, lived, breathed, and loved life... Joy, taken was her life by bullets that penetrated through her legs, rib cage, and temple by the desperate vengeful Eric David Harris... Joy, killed because she loved the life that was given to her by her true Giver of life... Joy, cared and loved Eric and Dylan as much as she cared for her friends... Joy, accomplished her biggest desire through her untimely death... Joy, started a chain reaction of love... Joy, lived to be love for other people... Joy, wanted to be like Christ in every way... Joy, is in Heaven with Jesus, her Savior... Joy, was joy in its purest form! Joy, lives with the Creator of this joy for the rest of her eternity! Joy, accomplished her greatest joy... Joy, dwells with her God for the rest of her days... Amen... Written by B Hate destroys... hate separates... hate kills... period Bye and GB B ♥ Current Mood: sympathetic Current Music: Rebecca St. James - Abba (Father) (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 28th, 2004
2:29 am	For kicks... Here's the AIM Expression I made tonight... the colors for the Buddy List wasn't supposed to be black but oh well! :-P, it's my convo with Cindy (one of my Greatest Journal friends): It's not that big b/c of the smallness of the Club Photo thing... but... 1. The Buddy List photo is of Michelle Branch... 2. The three pictures on the side are Michelle Branch, Rebecca St. James, and Stacie Orrico... 2.5. My buddy icon has a cupid and it shoots an arrow and the arrows hits him in the butt... I quoted him saying "Love Begets Pain Ouch!" (Love Begets Pain is the title name of my new Subprofile!) and 3. The middle says "The Love of the Three"... which refers to my love for my 3 favorite music artists... :-) Please give me with your honest opinion on it... thank you! :-) Www.mytheme.com is the website that helped me out with it! Bye and GB... :-) B Current Mood: happy Current Music: Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love (Comment on this)
Monday, February 23rd, 2004
9:57 pm	For my 2nd LJ post... I would like to display my life and my heart within two songs... DC Talk - In The Light "I keep trying to find a life On my own, apart from You I am the king of excuses I've got one for every selfish thing I do What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behaviour This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour CHORUS: I wanna be in the Light As You are in the Light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation Cause all I want is to be in the Light All I want is to be in the Light The disease of self runs through my blood It's a cancer fatal to my soul Every attempt on my behalf has failed To bring this sickness under control Tell me, what's going on inside of me? I despise my own behaviour This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour Honesty becomes me [There's nothing left to lose] The secrets that did run me [In Your presence are defused] Pride has no position [And riches have no worth] The fame that once did cover me [Has been sentenced to this Earth] Has been sentenced to this Earth Tell me, what's going on inside of me? I despise my own behaviour This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour [There's no other place that I want to be] [No other place that I can see] [A place to be that's just right] [Someday I'm gonna be in the Light] [You are in the Light] [That's where I need to be] [That's right where I need to be...]" Hey, I'm still a sinner, what can I say? And... Nichole Nordeman - Legacy "I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me And I enjoy an accolade like the rest And you can take my picture and hang it in a gallery Of all the Who's Who's and So-and-So's That used to be the best at such and such It wouldn't matter much I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights We all need an "Atta boy" or "Atta girl" But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides The temporary trappings of this world I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things I want to leave an offering A child of mercy and grace Who blessed Your name unapologetically And leave that kind of legacy I don't have to look too far or too long awhile To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things I want to leave an offering A child of mercy and grace Who blessed Your name unapologetically And leave that kind of legacy Not well-traveled, not well-read Not well-to-do, or well-bred Just want to hear instead Well done, good and faithful one I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things I want to leave an offering A child of mercy and grace Who blessed Your name unapologetically And leave that kind of legacy I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me..." That is totally true... I do want to leave a legacy when I leave PC and college, etc... Bye and GB... B Current Mood: busy Current Music: Nichole Nordeman - Legacy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
11:37 pm	Welcome one and all to... My LiveJournal! Wow I haven't had a LJ for about... one year! Anyway... This LJ is only used for two things: 1. So I can leave 'special' comments to people like the people on my friends' list and etc... and 2. To direct you to my own real Greatest Journal! :-D www.greatestjournal.com/users/startingover404 Thank you, bye and GB! :-) B Current Mood: happy Current Music: Cassidy Feat. R. Kelly - Hotel (Comment on this)